Drinkability, and Other Bullshit Product Attributes

I know...I'm past the 1-month mark of no blog posts. What a lazy blogger I've become. I have nothing to say in my defense except that I haven't been motivated enough to write.

But I'm past all of that, at least for now. Just saw (quite possibly) the most ridiculous advertising message ever. Bud Light has a new campaign out and apparently their creative team was all tapped out after the Real Men of Genius ads (which were totally amazing). Now they are touting an attribute that insults our intelligence.


Yes, Bud Light is drinkable. Compared to what? Wet Cement? Glue? Oil? The reality is that Bud Light is kinda shitty beer...so really...there are much more 'drinkable' beers out there. And guess what they are spending on this little gem of an idea? $50 million. Yea.

My title alludes to other campaigns with bullshit product attributes. And I will not fail to deliver the goods.

Some of these come curtesy of Ad Age (see, still lazy).

1. Swiffer - 5 Signs of Clean
Ok, Swiffer doesn't work nearly as well as vacuum cleaner. But apparently, there are 5 unique ways to tell if your house is clean and Swiffer addresses all of these. The bullshit includes: See, Feel, Smell, Shine and Trap and Toss. Trap and Toss? What does that even mean? They should pull out Shine and Trap and Toss and add in Hear and Taste. Go ahead, lick your floors. If they taste bad, Swiffer is to blame!

2. Tide's 7 Signs of Beautiful Clothes
These really have nothing to do with Tide unless Tide is somehow able to magically prevent me from spilling spaghetti sauce on myself. According to their site, Tide "reveals these signs of beautiful clothes," which include:

1. Cleans Thoroughly
2. Protects Color
3. Preserves Shape
4. Maintains Finish
5. Enhances Softness
6. Prevents Pills
7. Fights Stains

Is it just me, or is number 1 and 7 pretty much the same thing? If Tide cleaned thoroughly, then the stain should come out!

3. GE's Profile Washer's SmartDispense Technology
This clothes washer stores 6 months worth of detergent (like Tide) so that you can save a full 25 seconds while doing laundry. The washer costs over $1,200. That's innovation. A detergent management system!

Ok, I'm spent. Enough ranting for today!